CW traumaposting

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i'm sitting on my throne again, exactly where i was yesterday when i Wrote
  or was it two days ago
   or three

inspiration is flowing and it gets me a thosuand points but what do i do with it

or maybe i should just let it be?

i'm a silly little girl i don't want to think and i don't want to have to and i don't want i only need

miscellaneous stripes, sticking the middle finger to the Man who demands i

demands i


the man has demanded so many things from me
the vision plays back in my mind on repeat sometimes i think it's sexy and sometimes i want to puke
the sight the sound the smell the touch the taste oh god the taste why am i doin gthis to myself

i'm disconnected. i'm lost. i exist but i don't want to have to think to be sometmies my thoughts are too loud and too fucking stinky

working on a theory that chess is inherently bottomphobic. the opponent keeps pushing and pushing but i'm too exhausted to defend just mate me already

maybe i'm a bad person
i lie a lot but i lie the most to my brain when i convince it that it's okay
lif eisn't a fairy tale


collapsing
sometimes i go blind and i don't know why
and i pretend that i'm fine rather than taking a break and i keep on talking to people and they show me something and i can't see it because i'm blind and they can tell but i just pretend it's normal and i'm fine
and i wait for the blindness to go away
i'm too used to pretending to be nromal, maybe that's it, my instinct when something happens is to just keep pretending and

i don't know anything else

alex is sitting on her throne and i'm a pretender

i remember how dark it was in that room and ever since then my life has been colored by that darkness
the haunting light made by the blue walls and the faded yellow curtain
alex lore!
aha, how it be sometimes

,,and i hope that the people i surround myself with aren't burdened by having to console me
i don't tell them my thoughts because i don't want them to feel like they have to

i don't like it when thoughts are more than just thoughts. when a thought comes with sight and sound and touch and the touch of the cold metal against your neck and
when a thought comes with senses that usually means it's bad
i wish i had someone to save me from the bad thoughts       i wish i didn't have to think them
i wish someone would listen but whenever presented with someone who cna listen i forget everything i needed to say

and sometimes, when i'm blind, i get dizzy and i faint
and then people are concerned. faux concerned because i get up and they forget anything happened
i collapse on the floor lost in my head and i wonder whether it's self inflicted

suffering is virtuous. through suffering i am cleansed.
only the one who suffers will earn her place on the throne